I teased a friend a few weeks ago that her upset tummy might indicate that she is pregnant. She was not amused. However, I thought it might be useful for her and others to know the Top Ten Signs You Might Be Pregnant. (Note: this list does not take the place of medical advice or pregnancy tests. If you suspect that you might be pregnant, please pee on a stick and/or see your doctor for confirmation. Note: The stick in the previous note does not mean ANY stick — it refers to an actual pharmaceutical-grade pregnancy test).
#10 – You can’t remember a morning that didn’t start with you seeing the inside of a toilet bowl hoping that death would come quickly.
#9 – You can’t hear as well, but you can smell a whole lot better (and there’s the inside of that toilet bowl again).
#8 – Your skin changes, your hair changes, your nails change, your joints change, your ability to think and remember changes, your level of energy changes, your appetite changes…
#7 – You REALLY wish your office was closer to the women’s washroom.
#6 – You ask your husband to shave your armpits because trying to look at them makes you dizzy.
#5 – You ask your husband to shave your legs and cut your toenails because you can’t reach them anymore.
#4 – Your body becomes public interest.
#3 – You actually don’t mind going to the washroom 3 times in a 45 minute span as it gives you a moment to lay your head against the toilet paper roll and close your eyes.
#2 – Your husband gives up more traditional terms of endearment, such as Sweetheart or Love for nicknames capturing your new stature, such as, Tubby, Chubby, and Fatso.
#1 – Your contractions are 5 minutes apart (incidentally, you should go to the hospital at this point).